Jess Pillmore’s CDs

REVEAL LYRICS

I use the shower as a confessional, as the steam rises I unleash it all. Apologies bounce off the tile. Add another screw up to the file. If you’re confused well, wait awhile. That’s the real me. Not the gal that everybody wants to see. That’s the real me. Is that the phone again or is that the radio? Sure, it’s a feeble excuse but no one will know. I’ve found a place to live beneath the rug. I’ve camouflaged into the couch. Sure, I’m not like this out of the house. chorus I had a hard time writing this song, you know, one week I’m wrecked the next nothing is wrong. I guess that’s why I hate personality tests. The answer’s never quite no, it’s never quite yes. I may appear to be a social virtuoso just because I can laugh, I can listen, I can be your average Joe. But I’m a stuttering child on the inside. I’m sure you’re mocking me as I walk by. If you can’t handle that, then baby, believe the lie. chorus

Late last night I could have sworn you were all of my ex’s lying next to me. It was my moment to give back the pain I had resurrected joyously. Could I be that spiteful? Could I bear the weight of rage wholly reborn for a fictional victory, seeing all of you drowning in a world of scorn? Could I? Could I hold your head under water? It wouldn’t be tough. Turn my back and ignore you just enough? One hand down while one hand waved at my next naive conquest that day. I’ve been biting my tongue for years and the blood no longer bothers me. Secretly holding my joy prisoner but I’d rather call it “watching TV”. Locked in a cage of my own creation lined with haunting imagery. It’s not my job to convince you, the illusions are real enough for me. Could I? Could I hold my head under water? It wouldn’t be tough. Turn my back and ignore my joy just enough. One hand down while one hand waved at my next perfect distraction that day. But I’ve got to learn to let go. Save myself. Free my soul. I’ve got to learn to let go, but sometimes the rage has such a hold over me... I can hardly be. Multitasking masters suppressing every hope while wishing them to be set free. Running their race backwards complaining over the only view they let themselves see. Illness and anger is all around us but we’re taught early to acknowledge and then ignore. We wonder why history repeats itself when we’re obsessed with staring at the floor. We can hold our lives under water. It’s not that tough. Turn our backs and ignore our purpose just enough. One hand down while one hand waves, framing the illusion of life lived another day. But I’ve got to learn to let go. Save myself. Free my soul. I’ve got to learn to let go, but sometimes the world has such a hold over me I can hardly be... I’ve got to learn to let go.

Propped up from the back seat “this road is terrible” you repeat. I couldn’t agree more but out of spite I locked the door. I stare out at my vast horizon and it’s rosy hue. I’m trying hard to ignore the fact that I can’t see past the next 5 minutes with you. What’s a girl to do? Casino style celebration, here’s to one year you want to press your luck? “How much does this fun cost?” I ask. You just say, “How much you got?” You’re waiting for your future to line up to see what that next quarter holds. I didn’t read the rules, I just signed up. It use to be the definition of bold. chorus I wrote this all in dark, letting my ego and pain lead the way. Angry words fighting my own heart. Mine fields abound, all you needed was time to stumble on the wrong thing to say. We’re smack dab in the middle of a calendar where every inhale and exhale is planned. I guess I got sucked into the vibe and forgot this is not my native land. What happened to the joy of not knowing? In fact, you couldn’t be better off. Bumpy road? Well, bounce along or take a turn and laugh while you’re lost. chorus I bask in the fact that I can’t see past the next 5 minutes with you. What’s a girl to do... except love you?

Pennies are popping up in every room, every room of my house. My world's made up of concentric circles. They drop from my clothes. They slip straight out of my wallet. But what about the others? All the others... I feel the pressure of desperate dreams. How can I possibly fulfill my own when I'm left here to collect the coins all alone? But I’ll try. I’ll try. People are popping up in every room, every room of my house. My world's made up of total strangers. Storytellers stay long enough to reveal their wishes. Then they put a penny in their place and leave without a trace. chorus Compressed hope in tiny circles silently wait for me. I can't even try to ignore them or they turn a beautiful sea green. They've got to be seen. chorus

Heading to a party on the outskirts of town I passed a memory of me. She had her life in her luggage in the trunk of her car. She was staring at the crossroads I didn't want to see. It's never enough for you. It’s never enough. You don't want it but you do. With my ex in the corner and his wife in the kitchen, old friends fade in all night. In and out, in and out, all night. I knew them all once but now I know only drinking as I sit here alone in atlanta on a couch. chorus I write and I run. I scribble on scraps of paper like it's all been said and done. Stuffing them away from everyone. Filling my pockets with apologies, “I'm sorry”. You wanted me to save you, didn’t you? Well, who’s going to save me? chorus It's never enough for me. I thought living somewhere else would set me free.

What if the alarm had gone off? What if the meeting ran a little late? What if your roommate had answered the phone? Then you could give her your fate. The day your world changed. Transforming your friends into circling hawks, worrying you’re not eating, worrying you’re never going to stop, now that your world’s changed. What if we had closed that window? What if we had put on a hundred locks? They say he would have broken in anyway. That denial’s just part of the shock when you feel you world change. A friend recalls her mumbling while he held her hand in the emergency room and the rest of were filling out police forms back at the house. She said, “I should have known the second I opened the door. The cats weren’t there to greet me like they always were before and it felt strange. But I shrugged it off, I didn’t have the time. I stepped in without a second thought.” Now the window’s rattling years later in the middle of the night. You lay there in a cold sweat telling a perfect stranger your plight, “The day your world changed.” What if we had closed that window? What if we had put on a hundred locks? What if your roommate had answered the phone? What if and what if and what if? You can’t stop you’re world from changing, stop you’re world from changing.

Right before I was ready to storm out that door, determined to call it quits. I noticed a pathetic look in your eyes that seemed to whisper, “Oh my god, what is this?” That’s when I noticed I never even opened my mouth. I never open my mouth. Nothing slips out. I never open my mouth. I saved up my courage and went down to Psychic Town. I must have woken up dreamy eyed and naive. The gypsy’s thoughts bordered profound, but I’m sure I talked too much and that’s how she perceived. chorus The brain works faster than you can possibly imagine. Of course that’s an ironic thing to say. It creates and destroys world in a blink, you think you inhabit them. It’s recess time and your mind’s at play. I’m going to press this point even further. Dispense a world of advice you don’t have to buy. “It’s imperative you find the mental trigger. Once you locate the source and let that well run dry.” Run dry. chorus There I was ready to storm out that door. I was determined to call it quits.

It wafts out of fad mags “Insecurity”, must be a new scent by Klein. Beauty drips down page by page by the pound. Self help tips trip me up and tie my down to an image unachievable. It’s unbelievable what they force feed us all. Pound for pound this dollar’s sound. Pound for pound... hottest market in town. Come on down. Little, little girl, check out line dream, unable to snap out of the glitter-glam grand slam. She’s starting so young before dinner’s even begun she’s pushing her plate out of the gate. I’m calling out to the conscience of the Cosmo queens, “Undo the spell of the check out line dream!” chorus Come on down. They tell you, “It’s your outer beauty that pushes love’s door open wide.” That’s what they’re banking on, feeding your frightened vain side. “Yes, that’s what we’re banking on. Now, take a bite and pass it on down the line!” Under a conveyor belt hum, some little kid’s screeching for gum, someone demands doubling up on their bags. Under the glossy pics and funky fonts a mantra slips. I can hear it now, “Who cares if a majority’s spurned when there’s bucks, big bucks to be earned?” chorus And we keep counting pound for pound. We keep counting... Let your little girl cut them up and plaster them on her wall. Let your little boy gawk and stare. Show him what makes a woman his perfect doll.

I tried to shorten my life living as fast as I could. I was always the life of the party, folklore of the neighborhood. Oh, the stories they tell, they tell, and you thought you knew me well. I’d come home to find my dad out on the lawn 3 o’clock in the morning all senses gone. And I was the “lucky one”, I got to see him hit rock bottom. Just once try to imagine. Look where I came from, see where I stand. You get lost in “my fault”'s and “I wish you wouldn’t”'s. For the sake of clarity, please, use this point of reference. I learned too early that respect was going to be hard won. There he was wrapped around another woman, he said, “Do you want to hit me, son?” That drew a concrete line, between the lies he lives and all of mine. I moved out of his house before I could even drive. There I was furnishing my apartment, dragging it all by the roadside. You could say he taught me how to survive, and mask the pain by getting high. chorus You get lost in my silence and isolation... All your good intentions are wasted. You can’t wipe clean my past. I was pulled taut by that tension. My well worn hide’s now proven to last. You can’t pull me out of that danger. You can’t kiss and mend every bruise. I didn’t find you to replace any savior. You’ll have to love me used. Every brother has inherited dad’s adultery. I think that’s why I’m constantly moving so his genes never catch up to me. Yet for advice I’m the one they call. Their illusion of me is so unbelievable. “I’m a flake. I disappear. Maybe a postcard once a year”. So many sarcastic punch lines are ringing in my ears. If they want to see me that way, that’s fine. They have their truths and I have mine. chorus You get lost in my jokes and family ribbings...

People could pass this place easy on the way to the train. See the news papered windows and not think a thing. But if you’re underground to find me, venture in and look right. I'm there, like clockwork, lit up by a broken light. If I had a watch, I'd say, “It’s about that time”. I should be heading out, what did you have in mind? The bartender’s playing chess with whoever walks in the door . Maybe soon he’ll look up with a “do ya one more?” The mirror’s peeking through plastered posters up from who knows when. The jukebox has become a roadblock between me and you again. chorus Guys feed me lines to see if I might bite. “You look like someone I could talk to,” that’s what I got tonight. Good thing I can read lips with the music so loud. It makes that line even funnier in such a crowd. chorus A dive named after the coldest hell hole. A place where people fear to go, but it’s my safe haven. It’s the only place I know.

Cajun, coffee, tabouli or ziti... Look on that menu and see what you want. Don’t stop stop at groceries, laundry, a movie or a masseuse, when every need and desire is satisfied by Jesus. It’s not bad really. Save time and drop a tip. There’s an extra buck in his hand if he delivers it quick. The world’s at your finger tips if your tips are on the phone. Bored with your surroundings? Then just order a fresh look for your home. Martha’s through the mail and that’s a good thing. And there’s no secret about what Victoria’s sending. chorus You came to this city where there’s nothing you can’t do but what it boils down to is what we’ll do for you. You want to see the world from your living room. That’s what this city’s really about. Hell, it’ll come to your door, kid! Are you joking about take-out? Have all whims delivered to you here. Just need a phone, some dough and a catalogue near. chorus Sex? No problem, your phone or mine? Or would you like me delivered with a girlfriend this time? It’s limitless for the American green. Just press one and you’ll see what I mean. That kitchen drawer’s brimming with menus, not recipes. You’re calling for convenience, for command over something, over someone. Dial and demand service now! chorus

How much longer can the silences build up? How much stronger do I have to be to the force of your nonexistent gaze? Where are you off to? Where are you? And have decided who you’re taking with you? Are you telling me our love has reached it’s limits? There’s no hope left, our past’s become our present? And are you already walking away? chorus I admit my smile has disappeared but doesn’t it stand to reason with great joy comes some suffering? Are we not worth a little pain? How long can I ignore your heavy handed clues? How burdened were you with the dreams and hopes I put on you? chorus Don’t take the easy way out! Turn yourself around and open your mouth. Don’t show me the world! Don’t show me the world is harsh and bitter. Where only fools can be happy because they don’t know better.

SLIGHTLY SKEWED LYRICS

I've got a storage unit but I've never seen it. I've got a quick mind though I need to clean it. I've got a ticket to the border of time and a pocket full of punchlines. Just wait and you'll find I can deliver a good line anytime, anytime, anytime... I've got swift feet that kiss the ground. I've got this bitter pill on the floor and it's rollin' around. I've got a closet sensibility I let out sometimes and a pocket full of punchlines. chorus I was guaranteed full service. I was told there'd be no math. I was promised a happy ending. Where's my happy ending? A joke's not funny if you have to ask. chorus A self defense mechanism and it's on call. I'll make fun of me, I'll make fun of us all, anytime.

Some like to meet strangers chatting from across the aisle. If I'm lucky I get a window seat. There's only one girl I'd like to meet. We chat from across the wing. We talk about anything. Her heels skipping on passing clouds. She's so different, but so familiar. It's hard for me not to say aloud, "She's so unlike me. So unlike me." We like different parts of the same song. I listen quietly and she always shouts along. I gaze at her in silence. She screams at the wind scrawling her hope across the sky. That kind of independence makes me cry, chorus I haven't lost it completely. I know it's my reflexion but I tend to daydream on these flights. With all my hopes and possibilities staring right back at me floating in mid-air held back by nothing.... chorus I notice a crack in the glass. She notices I rarely laugh. You know with me, I can wait and she won't let anything, anything pass. She's so unlike me!

You don't have to worry about it all. I read once, you're not suppose to sweat the small stuff and it's all small. And I'll never be the type to send you a silly card to cushion such a fall. But if you need anything, anything then you just have to call. 'Cause sometimes you get tangled in someone else's line. And to survive you have to cut yourself clear. Lord knows, I've burned bridges in my lifetime but the trick is... they were bridges to nowhere. It'll never stop until you shut that door. You know how people are always wanting more. And if you run, I promise it'll greet you shore to shore. It's taken years for you to find yourself now don't sell him for cheap to make rough times neat. Tough decisions come and go but they're not worth losing sleep. chorus Now, I'll never totally assess the situation and I'm not pretending that your life is mine. But if you need a crumb of conciliation then you should know... you don't have to worry. chorus You’ve got to know when to care and when not to care, when they're bridges to nowhere.

I walked out in the snow. Rules and reason had left me. I didn't know where I'd go broken down, naked and walking endless. I use to draw angels, now I just draw lines. I use to draw angels, now I just draw lines. Fantasy and imagery, illusions I can't grasp. Life has flown off without me and I'm left alone with stones that I scratch. chorus And this people want to see. And this people buy. Colored lines drawn by me. They go on, they go on, they go on endlessly.... God help me. chorus

Petty crimes, I'm guilty of. Petty crimes against the ones we love. Petty crimes, I know my part. Petty crimes against the heart. Is it what I say or what I don't say? Is it what I feel or what you want to hear? Do I need some white wash for those little lies? Those larcenies of love that have no alibis? chorus Could it be I've taken you for granted? Prince Charming is no longer the enchanted? Blinded and small minded, we keep repeating those small mistakes that turn to little heartaches. chorus Relationships with dual personalities and words of love compete with rationalities. Confusion comes concealed in a compliment. When it comes to love is any of us so innocent? chorus

You roll your eyes and sigh a bit too hard. Did I push the envelope too far with, "Just admit what we know to be true: I can't satisfy your needs." chorus You heard me wrong or you wouldn't take it so strong 'cause I was just joking. I was just... I was just... You say it pains you to hear such words. You took me seriously? That's so absurd. Sure, there may be some truth in it all. Maybe I'm scared how hard I fall for you. chorus

It's all about the longing the thrill of the thought of being kissed of once again belonging the need to think that this is it. It's all about the fantasy, the wish and the wondering if you want the same. Whole lot better than asking than knowing the answers to the game. the game. It's the pre, not the post, it's why you pray to the holy ghost for speeding hearts and long nights. chorus You drive out of your way to make it look easy. You work as hard as you can, but never let 'em see ya sweat, man. I don't mind being the stranger, it's a common scenario. I don't mind being lonely, it's the only state I know. chorus

I see things this way, slightly skewed. I see things this way, just a little bruised. When you've been around the block a few times you get use to been used. I see things this way, you can't argue with my past. I've seen men come to call and then vanish we they're cast. But you came and looked me straight in the eyes with a hope that this might last. I see things this way, I don't know how else to say it. It's not like I'm some beauty queen anyway here to save the day! But I can make you laugh like no one else so everything's okay. It's okay. My friends use to beg for a love song. I use to laugh and say I don't know how. Won't they be happy now? I see things this way, Baby, it's just my view. I've always seen things this way until I saw you. Now everything keeps getting clearer. Hell, I look myself square in the mirror with you, with you. I see things this way with you.

little girl rockin' on a wobbly stool nursin' her Coke and JD see, her body's old, experience young but her heart feels about as old as the sun. knees buckled, heels out, toes in knees buckled, heels out she doesn't look about knees buckled, heels out, toes in she doesnÌt fit in. little girl suckin' on a suckin' on a straw tiny and red, meant for mixing twirled and twisting watch her gnaw, go ahead watch her gnaw till she's raw and rocking. chorus little girl leanin' on a leanin' on a wall trying to steady herself she's uneasy, not the stool not like anyone in this dive cares, so she'll play the fool. chorus little rockin' on a wobbly stool bathed in red light, it's a late night keepin' time by keepin' score keepin' time by keepin' score left, right, left, right, leftrightleftright, left, right, left, right

Seems everything's break up while I'm breaking down. My face broke out as if I needed another excuse to hide from this town. That car horn hurts me more than you ever could in my rust colored rut that I call home. As every last nerve shouts, "Jesus Christ!" And all I can do is lay on this couch. Pray time passes me by on this couch 'cause then maybe I'll forget how you laughed when I loved you. Maybe I'll forgethow you convinced me your cheating was my fault. Then maybe I'll forget what got me here in the first place but I hope that I remember. Empty boxes spilling over with unfilled purpose surround the emcee, that's me. Who's calmly, casually passing out mac and cheese. I've given up on giving faith towards the t.v. screen now that I've admitted to what it means. It's a poor excuse for saying, "Yeah, I got some sleep." And all I can do is lay on this couch. Pray time passes me by on this couch 'cause then maybe I'll forget how you disappeared for months. Maybe I'll forget how you came back with an unexpected son. Then maybe I'll forget... Maybe I'll forget how you pulled away when I touched you. Or maybe I'll forget how that made me feel. Then maybe I'll forget what got me here in the first place but I hope that I remember. chorus

Sandblasted free and washed with rain while others run from this curse. Isn't it just like me to walk into a storm head first. So, don't look at me that way. I've found what I need. Don't look at me that way. I've found what I need. What I need... Occasionally brave, I open my eyes and sand ribbons ripple by. But if I'm balanced between dune and tide then I walk blind. chorus I'm a dancer who knows her body. I've been trained to have a third eye. But with infinite straight lines to follow I tend to list to one side. chorus

I left work early, started walking towards the park trying to find the one spot where the city disappears. No I've never seen it, I don't have a map. No picture postcard to peg on your wall at work cartoon arrow "this is where you're at" "Wish You Were Here!" But I said I believed and for now... I said I believed and for now... I said I believed and for now that's all I've got to go on. Even though it's not on the "it" list and no, it's not in the "in" crowd Instinctually I walked through the park. A car wash for my sanity and what this city's done to me 'cause I said I believed and for now... I said I believed and for now... I said I believed and for now that's all I've got to go on. I left a friend who's leaving me to dance on the holy land, destiny in hand. And she's sure of me and who I'll be. I'm just sure she'll return with serenity. But she said she believed and for now... she said she believed and for now... she said she believed and for now that's all I've got to go on. But doesn't she know that I'm not a woman of faith? I tend to talk out everything so it's tangible. But then, how can I know that I'm not a woman of faith when I'm constantly, constantly searching for that girl? So, I walked out of the park trying to find the one spot where I disappear. Where my shadow doesn't exceed my concrete height and my face melts into taxi passerbys. Another New York night... But I said I believed... And she said she believed... And I said I believed and for now that's all I've got to go on.

PROMO LYRICS

As a joke you asked for your tale to be penned of your romance that's so "on again off again" you warned me you're ill goods to be gotten well I stand here warned. But your words make a mark in me and your body language is luring maybe i do look a little too deep but who in the hell is that hurting? I can paint your portrait on the head of a pin with your sighs and pauses. keep things friendly, those were your words not mine but those are your fingers on my skin i don't think that it's all in my mind but i could be looking too close again. chorus It's an occupational hazard detailed and delicious an occupational hazard overanalyzing this 'cause i can, just because i can. chorus

clink clink pour another choice in to the sink and down the drain throwin' back looks that never gave anyone a reason to stop in their tracks she'd blink but her eyes have dried up staring at the choices in the sink she'd blink but her eyes have dried up staring at the choices piling up, spilling over she'd unclog that drain if she was sober they puddle around her, soak through her shoes don't light a match or her regret'll shine through chorus"sorry" i swore i heard, "sorry i'm me" i know i heard, "sorry, god i'm sorry, it's not who I want to be... who I want to be" choices flop around her like old dolls making it impossible for her to move and i stand there stunned at what i just saw i want to shake her loose but i don't know what it would prove chorus

chewing chinese as the princess loses another war i’m stuck in this restaurant between royal tables of four and the queen's crucifying with convenient chopsticks i pass green tea to my party as the little princess grieves the culprit, well, he just smiles as she wipes her nose on her sleeve but the queen's chopsticks they click on and on but the queen's chopsticks they click on and on "you give him that power when you cry," she says,"he's already won if you cry." they click on and on let them eat cake in front of the birthday girl this the queen declares but the princess looks up and glares, "didn't you cry when daddy left? did he win then? did you give him that power, mom?" chorus

he said it's probably the music, that's why I'm crying. and I said, "yeah, you're probably right" why can't I own up to it? why am I lying? we don't relate anymore and I don't sleep at night I don't sleep at night. I said "it's just the stress of moving" and he bought the line 'cause he said "oh that's it for sure" why can't I say the city's intruding? the neighbor's argue too loud and sex is not the cure atleast not for sure so I walked down that road sure I was half drunk on shots of jack dan' but I remembered to pack my load and move out of this college coma land they say the rumor's out now that I'm doing great and I say, "that's what I start them for" the truth is I got out just in time it was almost too late sure I was doing what I'd always dreamed but now I want more so much more out there than I ever planned for. chorus

i don't want to put up a red flag but, are you ever coming home? i don't want to sublease your space but i can't stand to be alone i don't know anyone who likes to be alone seems we've had guests stay here a helluva lot longer than you one friend forgot your name hope you haven't too i hope you haven't too. hello? is anybody down there? do you have a clue what's happening to you? well, it's summer already weren't you suppose to be back? your voice doesn't sound too steady and you're starting to lose track baby get back on track hello? is anybody down there? do you have a clue what's happening to you? hear that sound that's you on the bottom bouncing around pick yourself on up off the ground i don't want to put up a red flag but are you ever coming home? i don't like being alone chorus

Jess Pillmore’s CDs

out of print

Produced

SPEAK TRUE

Ron Morris

Guest Vocals

Compilations on Lujo Records

out of print

Music & Store

Click images for clips & purchase info

Scroll below for Jess’s Lyrics

PROMO

Musicians: Jeff Lindvey, Bill Pillmore, Jess Pillmore, Jeremy Wolfe

Songs: Portrait, Choices, Chopsticks, Coma Land, Bouncing on the Bottom

Slightly Skewed

(Road Worm Music) 2002

Musicians: Craig Barnette, Farris Nix, Dan Phelps, Bill Pillmore, Jess Pillmore

Songs: Anytime, Unlike Me, Bridges to Nowhere, Angels, Petty Crimes, Just Joking, the Game, This Way, Little Girl, I'll Remember, What I Need, All I've Got to Go On

Reveal (Lujo/Road Worm Music) 2005

Musicians: Craig Barnette, Matt Chamberlain, Mell Detmer, Chris Jones, Viktor Krauss, Dan Phelps, Jess Pillmore

Songs: The Real Me, Learn to Let Go, Vast Horizon, Desperate Dreams, Atlanta, When Your World Changed, Open My Mouth, Pound for Pound, Point of Reference, Siberia, Quick, Don't Show Me

$12

Show your love

Take A RISK!

Choose a color tone:

NEUTRAL

(brown, beige, grey, black...)

COOL

(blue, green, purple...)

or WARM

(red, yellow, orange...)

Adult: S, M, L, XL

Hoping for a certain color?